we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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