girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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