Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
