I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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