How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
