just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize