you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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