She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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