im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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