you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
