I could make wine with my vomit
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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