Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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