oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize