I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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