Soap is not a condiment
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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