That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
