Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
