And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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