it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
ttyl tear gas
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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