Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
