just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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