I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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