ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
