i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Found the puke drawer
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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