We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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