you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
