how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
