did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
