I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
