i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
send nudes
from the living room?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
