You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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