You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
