Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Come share oat with me in your robe
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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