I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You took a bar mat shot.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize