the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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