It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize