how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
