We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
