I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
