alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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