So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
