My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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