why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize
