is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
