Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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