Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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