in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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