Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
