Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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