we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
