Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
