no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize