I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
