The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
