I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
