You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
