Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She said her name was "party"
You smell like stripper and shame
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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