No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
