Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize