You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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