i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
