I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
